Haiku Fuck-u

Looks like it's that time again:

HAAAAIIIIKKKUUUSSSS!

I would write about nature or love or something substantial like the meaning of life, but instead I think I'll devote my entry to mindless jargon:

I Am a Success
went out Saturday
yuked seven times on Sunday
bars make me thinner



Why I'm Still Awake
Insomnia sucks
like brand spanking new vacuums
where's the off button?

A Three Line Trajedy
Where is my baby?!
The thin girl there kidnapped him!
Blame the recession

...that is a mighty fine excuse, even for stealing babies

That's all for tonight I think...

Goodnight. Guten Nacht. Bon nuit.

Happy New Year...One Year Later

Hi kids
It turns out I've been a sour lemon this year, and a rotten one at that. I cannot believe that it took me almost a full twelve months to update 1Lemon but lo and behold, I'm DOING IT!
Let me begin by saying that I have been having a crazy year, the only way it could get crazier would be if I suddenly became fat (knock on wood, pour salt over shoulder, pray to baby Jesus) but thank goodness that will never happen, right G-d?
In true 1Lemon fashion, I'd like to kick off this "new year" of sorts with a diet...and then maybe a haiku if I'm feeling saucy.

In lieu of the recent economic problems our fair countries have been facing, I'd like to devote my brand-spanking new diet to these troubled times:

The "How to Stay THIN and Have FUN (without money) Diet"
1. In these down-and-out times we all need to be troopers and keep our nickels and dimes in our pockets for that big end of year cruise we will all be taking once travel prices hit an all time low. I find that one of the best ways to do this is by abstaining from buying any food unless it is an emergency. You might be thinking to yourself "that's crazy! Do you want me to die??". The answer is no...well yes, but ultimately no. I mean, having less people to worry about would certainly make it easier to find a seat on the subway but seeing everyone looking Kate-Moss thin would certainly suffice. But, there is method to my madness. You see young padwans, in troubled times people may turn to fast food or canned food or "comfort" food instead of a real hearty meal of arugula soup. Such types of food make you--how can I say it?--gross like and fat. So don't eat. But drink tap water because that's basically FREEE
2. Magazines may be trying to convince you to buy new clothes with such articles like "The Top 100 Things to Buy for Under $100". This is bogus. The best way to save money and still look stylish is to follow rule number 1, become waif like, and then give all your once tight-fitting clothes a new hobo chic spin. The Olsens have been doing this for years and it still doesn't get old.

3. Become a socialite. This may seem really hard at first and you may think to yourself "I'm not good enough to be a socialite!" but lord knows that ain't true. With all the non-eating and baggy-clothes-wearing you'll be doing people will already start mistaking you for someone famous. Try to channel the Olivia Palermo (see picture above) within you and insist on only hanging out with the uptown scenesters of your city. If you're reading this and do not know what "uptown scenesters" are then I highly suggest you order the MTV channel or move to an actual city. Once you become a high-class socialite (nothing is impossible!) you will find your friends will pay for all your drinks and you'll get tons of free swag...CHA CHING! Sell that on eBay and you can now pay your rent ;) You're welcome
4. Redecorate your place into the extreme minimalist look. Ever wondered how overrated end tables and chairs are? You will very soon. By going for the overly bare look and selling all your furniture you will not only be ahead of the crowd and become the envy of your soon-to-be homeless friends, but you will also realize how big your apartment/house/chalet/room really is! With this in mind, you may even be able to sublet regions of your little 'casa' to your friends or parents. Be careful though, you cannot let your socialite acquaintances know you're still hangin' with the proles, that might cause drama...uh oh
5. Start taking daily walks to the library. Carrie Bradshaw once said she loved library books for their smell, but I love them because they are FREEE! At the library, they don't get mad if you loiter as long as you hold a book in your hand. And at the library, there's always peace and quiet so you can curl up in one of their old battered arm chairs and take a comfy nap, just in case you find sleeping on the empty floors of your house uncomfortable. Not only will the library provide you with free entertainment, warmth and napping arrangements, but it will also give you a free education! Just think of how skilled you will be after you read the whole anatomy section. This might come in handy when you get laid off from the soon-to-be bankrupt corporation you work for.
6. Become Narcoleptic. You might read this and yell at the computer "WHAAAT? HOW AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" Well, you see readers, by becoming narcoleptic you will have a fool proof excuse for missing movie dates, bar hops, birthday parties and dinners out. These outings could only result in you a) having to consume icky calories and b) having to spend money you don't have. Believe me folks, this excuse works. No one can argue with a narcoleptic person, especially if they fall asleep mid-argument
7. With the money you've saved from selling all possessions and not eating, you can buy yourself a one-way ticket to Bratislava. Here, you will find a dollar will take you much farther than it would back home. You will not only be able to settle down in a great 9 bedroom mansion overlooking the slums, but you might single-handedly transform this sketchy place into a coveted locale. You see, with your new socialite stat, hundreds, maybe thousands, of people with money to spare will come visit what you will call your "second home".
8. Invest in stocks. I don't know much about business but I'm thinking that if people start investing now into stocks that support libraries and Bratislava, they will make a fortune overnight! Don't speak to a financial adviser about this because I have a feeling they might try to take commission off your burgeoning success.
9. Do not, under any circumstances, give up your internet connection. The internet is a goldmine and you can use this to your advantage. Create your own website (not that it will be better than 1Lemon, but I'm sure you'll put forth a solid effort) and try to make it the next Google, or whatever. Also, make sure to put a "Donate" button on the site so all viewers can donate to your worthy cause (keeping you alive). People love helping people. Unless they're fat.
10. Love thy self. I don't say this enough but you should really put all your positive energy and love-vibes back into you so that you stay jolly and even-tempered through these emaciating times. I understand it can be difficult to stay upbeat when your stomach is stuck to your back, you have no money, your clothes hang off you and you're stuck in fucking Bratislava--but don't worry, you will make it through and you will have YOURSELF to thank for it. High five you!

That's all folks, Follow those 10 steps and you'll be saying "what recession???" in no time

Writer's Block

I just read a post of mine from January. The one about living like a television character. I read it and, despite all the grammatical errors, I thought 'wow, things have gone down hill for 1Lemon'.
I feel like my writing has no spunk these days, no ecstacy over starvation like it used to.
I think it's because I've been feeling rather fat. And let's face facts, I'm starting to look movie star fat. I think I'm almost a size 6, and that's not good for anyone.
Because this post will count 20 posts for 1Lemon and because I'm sick of feeling depressed, I'm going to write the most fantastic diet ever:

The 1Lemon a Day Diet
1. What kind of diet would this be if it didn't include lemons?! Start every morning off with one fresh lemon (kind of like eating half a grapefruit) and some freshly squeezed lemon juice poured into a mug of boiling water. I myself have never tried this little drink because it sounds a bit word and octagenerian for my tastes but we must live in the moment, in the 1Lemon, so let's suck it up and take one for the team.
2. My mother always told me that eating too many lemons will constipate me so prepare for some err..difficulties. Instead of looking at this as a negative, think of how godlike you will appear to be once all your friends (and possible spouce or life partner) will notice that you NEVER go to the bathroom. They will be begging to know your secret, Hera/Zeus
3. Everyone needs a little encouragement now or then so make sure to log onto 1Lemon every day to see what's going on, read a haiku or two, or learn of new and more effective diets
4. My diets are all about pushing one's self to the limit, getting the best out of them, so try to see how long you can go without a meal after having the lemon water and whole lemon in the mornings. Bonus points if you abstain from food longer than from the bathroom
5. Everyone knows that a 1Lemon reader is suave and sophisticated, cool and collected, hip and happening. As a person of this sort, recognize that your decor should match your personality. Hire an interior decorator (bonus points if it's Sarah Richardson) to redecorate your loft (I would expect nothing less than 1000 square feet) in the theme of lemons. As well, buy all the lemon scented cleaning products you can find, you really want to send the message home (pun intended?)
6. Tell all your friends about this magnificent diet that you've been on. They will not only become blind believers in the lemon, but I will gain more and more readers, making me one step closer to my ultimate goal of world wide thinness
7. Start making it a habit to wash your hair with lemon juice and letting it sit for 5 minutes, after you've already washed it. This will add shine and volume to your otherwise limp strands** (which may or may not be caused from the near-starvation of the 1Lemon lifestyle) and make your hair smell like real lemons!
8. Experiment with cocktails using lemons. Forego the traditional gin and tonic with lemon or lemon martini or margarita. It's time to become the creative and sassy 1Lemonite you know you can be! Make sure to try a new recipe every single night before you begin watching Weeds, a highly endorsed 1Lemon show. [Starter recipes are listed below]
9. Make your main mode of transportation big yellow taxis. These can sometimes smell like lemon (or "pine", which is kind of close to a lemon). Don't let the fact that you may be living in a city that has mainly black taxis or orange/green ones, there should be at least one yellow taxi company in your vicinity. And if not, consider moving, because where the fuck are there no yellow taxis?!
10. Spring fashion proves that yellow is bigger than ever. Splurge on some pastel yellow Manolo stilletos or a pair of Stuart Weitzman pale yellow flats. I would expect nothing less. And remember, a teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini is never out of style

**tests have not been performed to prove such occurances

1Lemon Cocktails

Stinger
1 oz vodka
1 oz fresh lemon juice
1 oz Triple Sec
3 tbsp simple syrup infused with a lemon rind
shake over ice and pour into a tumbler garnished with a lemon rind

Lemanise
2 oz Arack (or Ouzo)
4 oz fresh lemon juice (or packaged...whatever)
mix in a Tom Collins glass over ice and garnish with a lemon wedge


1Lemon Shooter
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
1 oz tequila
pour into large shot glass and hope for the best

THESE RECIPES HAVE NOT BEEN TESTED BEFORE, THEY SHOULD BE HARMLESS, JUST GIVE THEM A TRY

It's time for my next mug of green tea, good luck with the diet y'all!
xoxox

P.S. try Capirinhas! They're fun and contain lime (which is kind of like a lemon)

New Exercise and my burger woes

I think I figured out a new (well, sorta new) way to burn calories without actually exercising. I cleaned and vacuumed my room today and it took so much out of me that I felt like I needed a break once I was done. And, later I got a wax and I got so worked up during it, you know, in anticipation of the pain, that I think I sweat at least 100 calories...is there sweat in calories?
Speaking of calories, the other night I came home really late and was starving and craving a burger. My brother refused to take me to any McDonald's or Burger King (not that i would go, I'm trying to make it look like I diet) so we ended up going to this restaurant/diner called Steer Inn. Well, if the fact that it was deserted and outdated be 30 odd years didn't put me off, the farting patron(s) should have, so should the dirty looking angry old man making my burger. I'm not sure why I even went ahead and ate it, especially after my brother said the meal smelled funny and opened all the windows in the car on the way home (in -5 degree weather). So anyways, after finishing the un-fresh custy burger I started freaking out, thinking that i was going to get food poisoning and die. To my luck, we had no anti food poisoning pills in the medicine cabinet and so I did the next best thing I could think of; I took a couple Tums and drank about 1.5 litres of green tea.
I think it's safe to say I killed those nasty bacterias that may (or many not) have been lurking in that slimy non-yummy burger. Long live Harmony Hill, they cried the next day.

Haaaaaiiiikkkuuusssss!!!

being on a diet
is just as adventurous
as burger poison

I've grown a love for
head-to-toe baggy sweatpants
sweating away cals'

Ah, the sweet succulent feeling of knowing you've written something artistic...I wonder if serious haiku artists would frown upon my poetry.

my WTF?! Moment

I know that a Diet is supposed to follow my last post but I had a total WTF?! moment and i had to express it.
WTF are 3/4 sleeve jackets? They make no sense whatsoever. I mean, sure i get the 3/4 sleve blazers, or the 3/4 sleeve sweaters but I have been seeing some pretty heavy jackets with 3/4 sleeves!
Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a jacket?
What's worse is when they're modelled with those to-the-elbow gloves. Is it just me who thinks this looks totally bizarre? It's as if the models arms were too long so she put on a pair of super long gloves to keep her fore arms warm.
Don't get my wrong, I'm all for fashion. I love it. I love reading about it, i love buying it, and I love being it. But not when it makes no sense.

Ok. I'm done my rant.



Vote Hillary!

Once you die, people won't remember you

I spoke with my oldest friend Sam today and she got me thinking about the future. She has figured out entirely what she wants in life; go to australia, become a teacher and then come back to Toronto to teach English in high school. Everything is so mapped out for her, she already set up a savings account to start accumulating money for Australia.
I feel lost next to her. I guess you can say I feel a bit like Nancy Botwin when she started dealing: she kind of knew that she was doing something but she wasn't sure where it would take her. I feel the exact same here.
Today was also Career Day at school. Theoretically this day makes a lot of sense, for someone who knows of their field of interest. For me in the other hand, it felt a bit boring, repititive and left me feeling unfulfilled.
There was this one woman, a former chief of staff of michael Bryant (Bryan?) who, despite being totally self righteous and a bit of a name dropper, seemed to have a pretty exciting job. What's more, she had 2 blackberries, pretty much the only prerequisite for my future job.
I kind of wish that someone who went into the field of business had spoken to us. Perhaps someone in the field of marketing or advertising would be nice. a job like that would be perfect for me. I would get to design ad campaigns for amazing new prducts that people don't need, tell women they don't look good enough and attend wonderful launch parties. And on top of that, I would have a blackberry!
Additionally, it would combine my love of everything in the media with my wit and creativity and wittiness. i could become famous for my style of ad writing. Those in the biz would start saying "his style is so very Lewis-esque" or "that's definately a Lewis ad". Ahh..I'd be living the dream.
I told my dad I'm thinking of going into advertising. These were his responses:
1. why not go into economics? you're good at math
2. but that job doesn't really matter. It's the type of thing that once you die, people don't remember you
3. but that takes a long time to get ahead, don't you want a family?

...I'm going to see what my dog thinks.

Look to my upcoming post for a diet on how to become a Marketing Hot Shot

Now for the haiku:

started a new book
girl has quarter life crisis
i've had a one-eightth

Repentance

Hi my dearest 1Lemon
I owe you one big giant massive gargantuous apology.
It's been a month since my last post, and that's bad...no excuses.
Ok, I actually do have an excuse...and it's pretty good, I think. And by excuse, I mean excuses, multiple.
1. I have sooo much homework lately and I still do yet I'm, as of now, making the time for you, my dear blog
2. Trying to keep a lowpro blog like this is so difficult, sometimes I forgot about it because I do such a great job of making it low pro
3. (and this is really the most important excuse) I forgot the password to you, 1Lemon and then when I attempted to log in it would direct me to the Google account screen (damn sponsors!) and I got so confused I would give up. But do not fret, I have reset my password, written it down in a secret place, this will not happen again...I hope

Personally, I like the second reason again but I guess 1 and 3 are the most...err...truthful.
I think I'll follow my Sinner's Diet for what I've done because I truly feel bad.
Since I cannot make another Sinner's Diet (that would be like Dr. Atkins coming up with a new diet, saying the old one wasn't as great....wait did he already do that?) instead I will make a diet for those who are snowed in. I know in my neighbourhood the snow was about knee deep, even deeper at the park. So here goes:

The 'F*ck I'm Knee Deep in Snow and I have to Shovel the Driveway' Diet
1. If you're going to be knee deep in snow you better dress properly for it. I recommend having gone to buy your provisions ahead of time. These include
a) a pair of the most gorgeous (and affordable) Michael Kors nylon winter boots, available in both black or white. ( I was about to get a pair but they didn't have my size...grr)
b) a pair of snow pants because we both know snowboots made by Michael Kors that only reach the mid-calf will protect you from all that snow coming your way
c) a pair of snow shoes! This way you can literally float on the snow and pretend to be on the same spiritual level as one Jesus Christ.
d) a tobaggan! Because after you shovel all the snow there will be a giant mound on your lawn and someone's got to ride it.
e) a great recipe for hot chocolate. Orangette's blog has a great recipe on it from January, I think.
f) a big strong man who enjoys doing favours for you....because after about five minutes, shoveling snow loses its intrigue and becomes an inhumane action to be put through. That's when Miguel, my big strong neighbour comes in ;)
2. Oh, I forgot to include a shovel in the list of provisions, but hopefully Miguel can supply you with that. Take out the shovel and remember to really use your core strength. It may not seem like it at first but shovelling snow is a gruelling excersize hidden beneath the cool exterior of sparkling white virgin snow
3. Don't eat anything before you go out to shovel. This may seem a bit cruel but there is method to my madness my wee proteges. When you come inside (after you pass the task onto Miguel)you will be ravenous. Hot chocolate just won't suffice. You will probably chow down on whatever baked goods are in the house (I fell victim to the peanut butter swirl brownies I'd made the day before) and then be so exhausted from it all that you will fall asleep. And falling asleep after we eat are one of the Cardinal Rules for those trying to gain weight.
4. start thinking of buying a winter house in the Bahamas...no matter how many winters you've lived through they're never going to change and if you can't beat it, and f*ck, you know you're not going to join that weird clan of people who claim to "love the winter", so run away from them...in the Bahamas
5. While relaxing with the hot chocolate, real estate section of the paper...and Miguel, put on a great snow day-esque movie. I recommend Dr.Zhivago or Titanic or something...pretty much any movie that is over 3 hours and one can fall asleep to without to fear of waking up to the bright blue screen that comes up after the movie and all the credits have finished rolling....or is it just me that gets the heebie-jeebies from that?

DONE.

Side note: I, Harmony Hill, have never shoveled snow for more than 10 minutes. My father realized I'm useless in manners of outdoor house chores and gave up on me. It is only fitting that I add I gave up on myself in that respect as well....rather willingly.

Wow, it felt weird and exhilirating and scary and nerve racking to right a 1Lemon Diet after so long.
I guess if I'm going back to my old way I should add in some haikus. Yes! My favourite part of the blog

peanut butter swirl
brownies you make me look fat
i must stop baking

my dog eats the snow
i tried some with fruit syrup
fastest recipe (ever)

Haiku for love (slash boredom):
I like your shovel
thanks it's made from solid wood
woah Miguel, slow down

Ok, so the second one kind of broke the 5/7/5 haiku rule but poetry is about expressing feelings...right?

Until the next time I log on,
farewell my friends,
farewell 1Lemon