Hi kids
It turns out I've been a sour lemon this year, and a rotten one at that. I cannot believe that it took me almost a full twelve months to update
1Lemon but lo and behold, I'm DOING IT!
Let me begin by saying that I have been having a crazy year, the only way it could get crazier would be if I suddenly became fat (knock on wood, pour salt over shoulder, pray to baby Jesus) but thank goodness that will never happen, right G-d?
In true
1Lemon fashion, I'd like to kick off this "new year" of sorts with a diet...and then maybe a haiku if I'm feeling saucy.
In lieu of the recent economic problems our fair countries have been facing, I'd like to devote my brand-spanking new diet to these troubled times:
The "How to Stay THIN and Have FUN (without money) Diet" 1. In these down-and-out times we all need to be troopers and keep our nickels and dimes in our pockets for that big end of year cruise we will all be taking once travel prices hit an all time low. I find that one of the best ways to do this is by abstaining from buying any food unless it is an emergency. You might be thinking to yourself "that's crazy! Do you want me to die??". The answer is no...well yes, but ultimately no. I mean, having less people to worry about would certainly make it easier to find a seat on the subway but seeing everyone looking Kate-Moss thin would certainly suffice. But, there is method to my madness. You see young padwans, in troubled times people may turn to fast food or canned food or "comfort" food instead of a real hearty meal of arugula soup. Such types of food make you--how can I say it?--gross like and fat. So don't eat. But drink tap water because that's basically FREEE
2. Magazines may be trying to convince you to buy new clothes with such articles like "The Top 100 Things to Buy for Under $100". This is bogus. The best way to save money and still look stylish is to follow rule number 1, become waif like, and then give all your once tight-fitting clothes a new hobo chic spin. The Olsens have been doing this for years and it still doesn't get old.
3. Become a socialite. This may seem really hard at first and you may think to yourself "I'm not good enough to be a socialite!" but lord knows that ain't true. With all the non-eating and baggy-clothes-wearing you'll be doing people will already start mistaking you for someone famous. Try to channel the Olivia Palermo (see picture above) within you and insist on only hanging out with the uptown scenesters of your city. If you're reading this and do not know what "uptown scenesters" are then I highly suggest you order the MTV channel or move to an actual city. Once you become a high-class socialite (nothing is impossible!) you will find your friends will pay for all your drinks and you'll get tons of free swag...CHA CHING! Sell that on eBay and you can now pay your rent ;) You're welcome
4. Redecorate your place into the extreme minimalist look. Ever wondered how overrated end tables and chairs are? You will very soon. By going for the overly bare look and selling all your furniture you will not only be ahead of the crowd and become the envy of your soon-to-be homeless friends, but you will also realize how big your apartment/house/chalet/room really is! With this in mind, you may even be able to sublet regions of your little 'casa' to your friends or parents. Be careful though, you cannot let your socialite acquaintances know you're still hangin' with the proles, that might cause drama...uh oh
5. Start taking daily walks to the library. Carrie Bradshaw once said she loved library books for their smell, but I love them because they are FREEE! At the library, they don't get mad if you loiter as long as you hold a book in your hand. And at the library, there's always peace and quiet so you can curl up in one of their old battered arm chairs and take a comfy nap, just in case you find sleeping on the empty floors of your house uncomfortable. Not only will the library provide you with free entertainment, warmth and napping arrangements, but it will also give you a free education! Just think of how skilled you will be after you read the whole anatomy section. This might come in handy when you get laid off from the soon-to-be bankrupt corporation you work for.
6. Become Narcoleptic. You might read this and yell at the computer "WHAAAT? HOW AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" Well, you see readers, by becoming narcoleptic you will have a fool proof excuse for missing movie dates, bar hops, birthday parties and dinners out. These outings could only result in you a) having to consume icky calories and b) having to spend money you don't have. Believe me folks, this excuse works. No one can argue with a narcoleptic person, especially if they fall asleep mid-argument
7. With the money you've saved from selling all possessions and not eating, you can buy yourself a one-way ticket to Bratislava. Here, you will find a dollar will take you much farther than it would back home. You will not only be able to settle down in a great 9 bedroom mansion overlooking the slums, but you might single-handedly transform this sketchy place into a coveted locale. You see, with your new socialite stat, hundreds, maybe thousands, of people with money to spare will come visit what you will call your "second home".
8. Invest in stocks. I don't know much about business but I'm thinking that if people start investing now into stocks that support libraries and Bratislava, they will make a fortune overnight! Don't speak to a financial adviser about this because I have a feeling they might try to take commission off your burgeoning success.
9. Do not, under any circumstances, give up your internet connection. The internet is a goldmine and you can use this to your advantage. Create your own website (not that it will be better than
1Lemon, but I'm sure you'll put forth a solid effort) and try to make it the next Google, or whatever. Also, make sure to put a "Donate" button on the site so all viewers can donate to your worthy cause (keeping you alive). People love helping people. Unless they're fat.
10. Love thy self. I don't say this enough but you should really put all your positive energy and love-vibes back into you so that you stay jolly and even-tempered through these emaciating times. I understand it can be difficult to stay upbeat when your stomach is stuck to your back, you have no money, your clothes hang off you and you're stuck in fucking Bratislava--but don't worry, you will make it through and you will have YOURSELF to thank for it. High five you!
That's all folks, Follow those 10 steps and you'll be saying "what recession???" in no time
