Weeds Withdrawal

So i just finished watching all 3 seasons of Weeds, my new source of all that is good and pure in this world. It's come to the point where all social things have to be 'fit in' around my Weeds watching schedule, and now that it's all over I am not too sure what to do with myself. Now that I've finished watching Heroes, Gossip Girl, Calefornication, Nip/Tuck and Weeds, for the time being, my whole life balance has gone off kilter. Perhaps I will start knitting, or get pregnant...something porductive.
I feel this odd fixation over television has almost negatively impacted my blogging. I haven't posted in days, no diets, haikus, anything...
Oh 1 LEMON, I'm so sorry.

oh television
one and only source of light
this is addiction

so what that you're gone!
I don't need you anymore!
books are fine by me

No, I take that back!
I need my television
no tv, no me :(

....Um...so I just read those haikus over.
I think I need to take a bath, listen to some calming music, perhaps talk to people who aren't two dimensional and living overly adventurous lives....
Yeah, and study for my Math test which is...err... tomorrow

Perhaps this week's diet will be about time management slash how to properly be addicted to telelvsion

adios

TV Killed My Work Ethic

I feel like I've neglected my dear innocent blog for the wonderful wide world of television. Last night I sat and watched all of Weeds Season 1 on DVD. I am totally hooked. This show is pure amazingness. Tonight I started watching Season 2 but I could hardly get through half of it because I only started watching at 10:00 pm. The characters are so witty and clever that I just want to run away and join the Agrestic community!

I've decided that I should try to watch as many TV shows as possible. I'm all caught up on Nip/Tuck, Calefornication, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Brothers & Sisters, Cashmere Mafia (meh), and almost Weeds. I figure what's left to watch is Dexter, Entourage, The Wire, the rest of Weeds, Dirty Sexy Money and Mad Men (g-d I wish I watched that show)....perhaps one day I'll also get a life, but then again, television is just so much more glamorous.
In the spirit of loving television, I have decided that my Diet of this Week shall be:
How to Live Like a Television Character Diet
1. Make sure you are only a size 6 or less. Anything more and you're officially "television fat" and really, that's the only kind of "fat" that counts- the others are just there to make you feel better about your heftiness. For references on how to get to this size follow previous diets posted.
2. Drink lots and lots of caffeine. Make it a habit. Think, instead of 8-10 glasses of water a day you need 8-10 Venti Lattes a day. Starbucks or artisinal coffee houses only. Absolutely no Coffee Times, Tim Horton's or Country Styles permitted...you must be wasting the money you don't have
3. Smoke cigarettes. Perhaps not all TV characters smoke but most actors do, and they're so taboo you can't help but make dying slowly look cool
4. Move to New York or L.A. Any other town or city is obsolete, as far as TV goes, these are the only cities on the face of the Earth.
5. Don't eat carbs or proteins. You want to appear to be on both Atkins and your girl-next-door-low-carb diet in order to appeal to all types of TV characters. The only things you should be consuming are your venti lattes and your daily dose of rich chocolaty dessert with your girlfriends.
6. Dress to impress. Remember that savings account you created so that you could one day move out of the shitty rental you're in now? Well, lord knows you're not moving out of there any time soon so withdraw all those savings and start shopping for the most screen time worthy vetements.
7. Move out of that shitty old rental you've been living in. No successful television show promotes icky neglected apartments. Opt for a huge spacious loft in the N.Y. or a post-modern bungalow in the suburbs of Cali. Don't have the money, take a loan from the bank, they love people who will owe them serious interest...and it provides for some serious plot points for your t.v. character
8. Don't exercise, just make it look like you do. Instead of walking to places cab or drive your new BMW 3 series. Taking the bus or "walking" as average people do is just a waste of time on your 22 minute TV show and it looks hardly as glamorous as paying to go 3 blocks down from your penthouse.
9. Quit your job. Characters are always too busy dealing with "life" to actually be shown doing their jobs. In the spirit of that you must quit your job as well. This will give you more time to do everything that's good and holy in this world. Perhaps some yogalates, more caffeine, shopping, seeing fellow friends sans jobs etc.
9. Learn to cook...for others that is. Remember to follow Rule 5 but don't neglect entertaining your friends or having an active social life at the hottest new restaurants. Just makes sure your biggest order is your drink.
10. End each night with a glass of wine or a martini. They are timeless and will provide for a nice change from the caffeine. Make sure you tastefully drink your beverage for the equivalent of 6 screen time minutes. You will not only look more put together (read: non alcoholic) but you will also have time to be let your body wind down and get ready for your next pure-caffeine-anti-food-private-transport-rich day.

...ahh that was nice and refreshing. I enjoyed writing that one.

Next I have some haikus for you 1 LEMON

it's 12:38
i should be sleeping by now
time waits for no man

tomorrow's Friday
ooh I know what that feels like
vacation...almost

And with that I bid thee farewell and run off to my little bed to get some shut eye for the next 6 hours...and hey, if I can't sleep, there's always those 8 ventis to get me through the day.

Depression on a Tuesday

Dear 1 LEMON,
It appears I've sinned again. I have forgotten to update my daily haikus...but there is a bit of a problem with the guidelines I have set out for myself: I'm supposed to write a haiku every day yet I only have to blog 5 times a week? WHAAAAAAAAT?
Silly me...
So I will haiku whenever I blog...and that's that :)

New Haiku:
i'm such a failure
the deadline has passed me by
should have read fine print

What is this haiku about you ask?
Well, it's simple. I came across this summer program for students that is supposed to be an amazing learning experience where you spend 5 weeks in Israel speaking with prominent Israeli thinkers, travelling and studying....and it's all expenses paid. Unfortunately, after i submitted the application, after I asked one of my teacher's and my previous employer to write a recommendation letter for me, I got an email saying "sorry, the deadline has passed".
I'm so mad. On the website it said that the due date was for January 15th...but then I called the offices and they said I had until the end of this week to submit my application, so then WTF is this email all about?
I'm so frustrated, I worked so hard on this application, I'm dyyyiiiinggg to go on an organized trip this summer (all my friends will be studying in France, without me) and I would love to visit Israel. Maybe I should put up a fight. I won't back down that easy. I'm going to call them (again, I got the machine five minutes ago), e-mail them, fax them my application...EVERYTHING!
I mean I know the chances of me actually getting on this trip are slim to none- only 26 kids are chosen, but handing in an application would give me more chances than not handing in an application. Can I get a woop woop?
I don't think this would bother me so much if I wasn't so hungry for some kind of leadership role. Model UN; I missed the deadline because I was sick (and the staff advisor is an a-hole), Student Council; not my thing, trip to France; don't have the money...the list goes on
This was my chance! It was my time to find an amazing experience to be part of and it's all going to be taken away because of "deadlines". I'm sooooooooooooooooooo mad...I'm so mad I don't even want to write a Diet about it!
Arrrggghhh...I'm going to go eat my feelings in some Haagen Dazs Maayan Chocolate and a double dose of Gossip Girl

goodnight to all the privileged world...

Sinner's Repentance Or How I stopped Trying and Just Learned to Embrace my Jelly Bellys

It seems I have really let down my blog. Just two days ago I set down my guidelines, commandments if you will, that I promised myself I would adhere to when writing this blog....and already I have sinned.
No haikus in two days? I know it's bad...I know. But, and there's always but in the good stories, I will make it up to my dear 1 LEMON, I will not write one haiku, not 2 haikus but THREE haikus. Yup, I am repenting for my sins.
As well, I will make a diet for sinners...ooh now doesn't that sounds exciting? We'll leave that for last. But first, some haikus to summarize the past few days.

Thursday:
Chemistry, you're done
i conquered you with gusto
just wait 'till exams...

Friday:
hot tub for 2 hours
jelly belly guessing games
meh, all in a day

Saturday:
colour me tired
waking up to sleepless nights
what, no coffee left?!?!

..gee, who would have thought that haikus could be such an efficient way of summarizing the past days' events? I feel like I should provide some explanation for the occurrences. I mean really, "jelly belly guessing game" could mean so many things.
So to begin, I think I aced my Chemistry test, (high five!) and my Biology test on Friday. I still think I'm not going to take Sciences next year, it's just not my true passion in life. If I really don't figure out what I want I guess I can just settle on farming, that's a self sufficient profession right?
Back to the haiku summaries, I went to my friend Andrea's house and we sat in her hot tub for 2 hours, a tad too long if I say so myself...but it was freakin cool how we were able to walk back inside in -13 temperature and not feel cold. We were kind of hungry though and started rummaging through her pantry where we found the Costco size Jelly Belly bag! Well, as fun as Jelly Belly's are on their own, it was even more fun to taste the 49 flavours with our eyes closed and have to guess what we're eating.
Best Jelly Bellys of the night: popcorn (as always), Cappuccino, Cream Soda, Juicy Pear, Mango, Strawberry Daiquiri....this list is too long
Worst Jelly Belly of the night: CARAMEL APPLE. It tasted like trash and vomit...it even looked disgusting...you must try it
Of course, the problem with Jelly Bellys are that a red jelly bean, for example, can be either cinnamon, strawberry, cherry, strawberry jam, daiquiri etc. so while I was trying to find Chocolate Pudding flavour i repeatedly kept getting grape, which is not nearly as good as I imagine Chocolate Pudding to be.
So then I ended up sleeping at Andrea's and I tossed and turned all night then woke up with a headache and sore body all over. To top it off, she didn't have coffee. Now me being the heavenly angel of a guest, I didn't say anything but I paid for it for the rest of the day. Evidently, my headache is still here and I'm at home on a Saturday night blogging instead of being out with all my girlfriends...grrr :(

Now, as promised, and because I have time until SNL comes on, I present to you the 1 LEMON Absolute Sinner's Diet:
1. Embrace your devious sins. i would say accept but there's a big chance you will sin again (read: I'm really bad at remembering to write my haikus everyday) so embracing your misdemeanors is necessary
2. Buy lots of comfort food. Sinning takes lots of energy, not only of the mind but of the body. I recommend Jelly Bellys because they are always exciting and full of surprises, kind of like finding out just how much you can sin
3. Sometimes sinning can be a bit hard, alcohol tends to make it a bit easier. Having trouble forgetting to be faithful? Too timid to cut somebody off on the road? Have a margarita beforehand! And remember, on Saturdays you're allowed to start drinking at noon (mimosas much?) so make sure you really train your liver to accommodate your days of debauchery.
4. Since alcohol can be quite fattening (just look at what it did to Britney) try not to eat during the week. This will not only keep you trim and slim, it will make you super cranky and short tempered so you'll be more likely to start sinning verbally
5. No sins are complete without binging! Reward yourself for not having eaten the whole week. Channel your inner fat girl on a Friday night and just devour a complete Caramel Crunch cake, or brownies...or both. And FYI, any fruit flavoured junk food is like eating real fruit, so go crazy on carrot cake!
6. Rent movies like Cruel Intentions, Heart Breakers, 101 Dalmatians and the Wizard of Oz (ooh and be sure to make the song that plays when the Wicked Witch of the West arrives your ring tone). It would be perfect to watch these when you're binging on Friday night because this way you're not too drunk to pay attention and you're not too hungry to want to eat any food present on the TV screen
7. Repent for your sins...nobody wants to go to hell, right?

So there you have it, my 3 haikus and my Sinner's Diet...did I repent well or what?

Hola Haiku

I've decided to take a break from the depressingly dull realm of fission vs. fusion, chem reactions and qualitative analysis to facestalk my friends while waiting for gossip girl to load. In an effort to multi task, I also thought of my first 1 LEMON Haiku of the Day.

stabbed by chemistry
i effing hate reactions
thank g-d for facebook

About 1 LEMON

So in the efforts to give 1 LEMON some sort of structure and an identity of it's own I have decided upon some guidelines that I will adhere to when writing my blog:
- all blogs will be entirely truthful and honest, unless purposely fabricated in an effort to be funny
- my blogs will be based on my daily thoughts and daily occurances.
- I will write my blog at least twice a week

Features:
- diet of the week
- Haiku of the day (starting today)
- Lean Cuisine reviews

Ok dawgs, let's see if I can follow my own rules :)

I want to be Mac Thin

Last night I was talking to my friend David about the new Macbook Air. After we both watched the 7 minute How-to Guide on using this wonderful new technological marvel, David mentioned, rather sarcastically, that this Macbook is just another example of the media's obsession with thinness. I retorted that I'm happy the media is being so stringent about what is beautiful because people are getting too caught up with inner beauty when we all know that beauty is only skin deep.
I don't think David agreed with me.
Just recently on facebook my History teacher (who's rather voluptuous) joined a group called "I'm tired of the media telling me to look a certain way-Real women have curves!" Seriously?
Do we need to go over this again? It's one thing to have curves, its another to be one big circular curve.
I think Apple is on the right track here. As technology is getting thinner and thinner so should we. I mean, very soon iPods are going to be so small that they will get lost within the crevices of a fat man's spare tires.
I propose that everyone take the Macbook Air challenge....attempt to become thin as air. Or not. Use technology as a means of losing weight.
So here it comes, my new Diet of the Week:
The Macbook Air Diet
1. Buy a Macbook Air
2. Using your Macbook Air, search foods that you love and look at the pictures while imagining you are eating that food.
3. Once you are finished "eating" the food images, go onto YouTube and watch exercise videos. Only watch the videos showing moves that you could physically do. Watching a body builder lift a car doesn't count. Imagine you are exercising while you are watching these videos.
4. Once you are done your "virtual exercise" use iPhoto on your Macbook Air to take pictures of yourself so you can track your progress.
5. If you feel faint, or that you haven't had enough "virtual meals" in one day, have a cube of cheese, or a piece of dark chocolate (I recommend Nestle Thins, because they say 'thin' on them)

Gee, I think this diet is easier than last week's. Of course, there aren't any Lean Cuisine meals in this one so I guess it's not as exciting.

***Lean Cuisine Report: I tried the Lean Cuisine Cafe Classics Mango Curry Chicken. Frankly, it sucked. It left a bad taste in my mouth, didn't taste like curry and I couldn't find the mango flavour. I give it 1/5***

The Ano Alliance

I was just on another blogging site and I started reading this one guy's rant about how fat girls are beautiful and how the media is such a bad influence on them blah blah blah...
The only logical explanation for this guy's reasoning is that he himself is either fat, ugly or a combination of both. Last time I checked, being thinner was just better. You fit into airplane seats more easily, you look better in clothes, you get picked up more, you look taller, you can go on all the amusement park rides, you look better naked, you can sneak throgh small spaces when you're feeling sneaky, you can find better hiding places when playing Hide-n-Go-Seek...the list goes on.
I have one friend, Josh, who looks positively emaciated. Although I myself am not quite as thin as him, we have created what we like to call 'The Ano Alliance'. The Alliance stands for all things worth standing for. We joke about binging, puking, starving, weighing ourselves, weighing others, becoming thin and staying thin. Although our Alliance can't technically be part of the school's clubs and committees, we have recruited quite a few members, even though some probably shouldn't be part of it, we have a reputation to keep after all. While the Alliance is all fun and games and gives me a good laugh at least once a day, it's always taken with a grain of salt and we do actually eat.
Below I have created what the Ano Alliance likes to call "the 10 Commandments".
This will also serve as 1 LEMON'S Diet of the Week
The Ano Alliance's Guide to Stop Being Obese and Start Looking Like You Should*:
1. Stop putting the blame on genetics, genetics will only get you so far (although, if this is a major unstoppable factor, look into getting your stomach stapled, it worked for Star Jones!)
2. Buy all the gossip and fashion magazines you can get your hands on. This will make you feel super bad about your own body while providing you with entertaining tabloid stories and inspiration for outfits you will by once you're skinny(er).
3. Don't eat junk food. More particularly, stop eating the bad, bad food. Instead look for these fun alternatives:
a) pictures of food. Realize that I do mean what I say. It's more fun to look at food than eat it
b) food product infomercials. It's like you can TASTE the quaesadillas they made with that Magic Bullet
c) Enjoy the two-finger dessert, every night. And yes, you're allowed seconds
4. Understand that you shouldn't eat past a certain time at night. However, my rule is that if you ate at like 8pm and it's now 3 am, and you need energy to stay up and blog/lose weight, than you're allowed to eat a snack (see 3d)
5. Don't worry about exercise. It's overrated. Unless you're truly motivated to make a change in yourself than the gym membership is a waste of money and you'll stop going after a week.
6. look at pictures of you when you were at your heaviest or just look in a full body mirror. I'm sure there are parts that you don't like. This mirror check will be like your inspiration!
7. Never think to yourself "I'm at a healthy place" or "I feel like I should stop trying to lose weight". Becoming thin is like the journey of life, you don't stop trying until you die.
8. Build a support group. The Ano Alliance is a great one to start with and feel free to contact me if you're interested in pledging, but for people who are not as hardcore, or naturally thin, I suggest locking yourself up in your room where your only support comes from yourself and not leaving until you are ready to conquer the world without the excess weight you once carried with you
9. Don't stop believing. As I once read in a guidance counselor's office "if you believe it you can achieve it". Now usually I say that guidance counselors and all their inspiring slogans are bull crap fed to the mouths of chubby, young, depressed piglets eager to be accepted among the beautiful gazelles. But this one has truth to it. If you believe you can be skinny-mini than you CAN be!
10. Spread the word that thinner is simply better. The Ano Alliance, and the whole ano community as a whole, strives on support from the masses.

That's all folks. Follow my lead and you'll be seeing your ribs in no time!

Trophy Wives are my Role Models

I'm sitting at home right now on Friday night and I am so excited to get to playing Sudoku. (that's only nerdy in an "everyone is being nerdy and doing it" kind of way)

Lately, school has been so stressful and hectic that it will be spectacular if I get to bed before 11. Ahh, one of my many goals in life...a 12 hour snooze
Speaking of goals, today at the school caff I tried to persuade the lunch guy to give me a free muffin. The bastard just wouldn't give in. What kind of a school is this? I thought the customer was always supposed to be right. I ended up staying hungry for the remainder of the day and then when I went grocery shopping after classes I splurged on prepared food:
Lean Cuisine, Lipton Cup-a-Soup, prepared Neptune Salad...HERE I COME!
There's nothing like eating when you've been starving the whole day...which probably has its negative side affects (read: emerging love handles)
On the topic of love...I've come up with a plan for the future which combines my love of travel + my desire to meet the perfect guy
I'm going to travel the world, have boyfriends in every city and then just pick the one I like best and marry him. Not only is this plan adventurous, but I guess it would constitute me as an International Woman and a bonafide Jet Setter!

Of course, this plan relies on two factors:
1. he has to want to marry me too
2. He has to be able to move back to my homeland or I need to have a job that allows me to live in his country.
OR...
Since I'm totally unsure of what I want to be in life...I'll just marry a really really really obscenely rich guy so I never have to work a day in my life and can be the perfect stepford wife! (Ted Roger's is old and rich...and local!)
Oh, and if the guy is super old that's a bonus because then he'll die and leave me all his money!!!

Now if either of those plans fail I figure I'll fall in love the conventional way...OR by the time I'm ready to settle down people will be able to travel in space and we'll meet while on a cruise around Saturn!
...but you know, whatever...I've got time until I get married, or meet Ted

Below are my favourite Trophy Wives:

1. Anna Nicole Smith

2. Victoria Beckham (she counts because she hasn't lifted a finger in 10 years)

3. K-Fed (anyone remember his ''career"?)

4. Maladia Trump
5. Perhaps me, one day

C'mon, I'm nice, right?

So I just finished studying for like half an hour, a pretty effective half hour if I say so myself.
Unfortunately, there's been a nagging thought plaguing my mind for the past day:

am I mean?

Yesterday in class David said to me that I'm "actually a horrible person" and that I "actually do mean things quite often". I tried to disprove him but I'm starting to think he's right. When I asked Natalie she said that yes, I am mean but usually not intentionally and that I'm really really bitchy when I'm drunk.
Well there's no way I'm giving up drinking, but I don't want to be seen as a mean girl.

The only problem is, David seriously does have a point. I mean, on New Year's Eve I broke plans with him to go to my older friend's party. In my defence though, our plans were only made as a backup if my other friend's party was cancelled. So okay, both David and I thought it had been cancelled, but it's not like we had planned anything special. When Amanda called me to tell me it's back on I had to cancel on David.

Next Sin: I uninvited a boy to my sweet sixteen a while back. OK so that's pretty bad...but I didn't want him there. In truth though, I would take it back if I could.

And can sarcasm/crude humor be considered mean?

Example: I told these two twin girls in one of my classes that I hope they die together. I thought it was funny, no?

I just feel that maybe my humor isn't for everybody. I mean, it makes me laugh...and Natalie usually laughs...and David.

Nah, maybe I'm not mean. I think I'm the proper type of mean, like I have bite, or whatever people say.

It's like, instead of being that dull pretty rose, I'm the Venus Fly Trap...except less scary....OK and perhaps more delicate..but not too delicate...I want to have bite right?

My Life Be Like

This blog, the attempt to fulfill my New Year's resolution by writing more, is going to be about my life and my views on pop culture.
I've been wondering lately what I want to do with my life and I'm growing increasingly clueless as the days pass by. Hopefully, writing this blog, if I can force myself to continue writing it, will help me gain perspective and perhaps ignite a passion for writing in me, possibly leading to a career in Journalism.
As I sit here and write I'm procrastinating studying for a History test, and although the material can be quite gripping, (the Enlightenment really did enlighten the masses!) writing my own blog that many people, or none, can read is a bit more enticing. In it I'll cover the weight issue in the media, food, movies, celebs, fashion and of course, my daily stresses and worries...and my pet peeves

Below are the top 5 reasons for writing this blog:
1. The continuous narrative that runs on loop in my head will finally be put into writing
2. Vlogs are too difficult to maintain
3. it was cool like 3 years ago
4. It's the new journal
5. It's a productive form of procrastination...as well as a stress reliever.